Resolutions Must Be Made

So it's the New Year: 2010 (please note it's pronounced twenty-ten, not two thousand and ten, apparently there's a bit of an argument about it, and people want us to say the right thing now instead of the wrong thing for the next ninety some odd years). I thought I should write about all of the resolutions other people should make, because I'm perfect and don't need any because I've made very personal ones this year and am choosing not to share them.

First of all, stop using a Sharpie for make-up application (please note this video is a parody).


This is just not a good look. For anyone. No matter what. If you want thin eyebrows, go to a professional and have them tweezed but don't then use a Sharpie to make them darker. You either get thin eyebrows or dark eyebrows. There is no in between.

Second, let's all resolve to stop and think about it before we leave the house without underwear.

Don't you just love that she chose a torn shirt to wear under the plaid frock.
She knew damn well this was too short to wear as a dress but yet she still chose to not wear undies.

While this photo was stolen borrowed from People of Walmart, it's not the only place it's happening. It's beginning to look like a pandemic. And it's not just women and celebrities (even though two of the examples are Brittany Spears and one is Lindsay Lohan). I think this trend started in the late nineties when girls thought it looked good for their thongs to be visible above their jeans.

Well I'm hear to tell ya, that didn't look good. Naked behinds and naked hoo-ha's aren't great looking either. So put your big girl (and boy) panties on a deal with it!

Third, can we somehow stop the madness about semi-celebrities. I don't care if Jon and Kate Gosselin have a cage match to the death....actually that sounds like a good idea.....I don't want to hear about it.
Celebrities are just like kids, if you ignore their bad behavior for long enough, chances are it will go away. But what does the "media" do? They play it up and make a big deal about something none of us should care about. Maybe if they stopped contacting TMZ and Perez every time they have a thought we could hear about actual news?

Christmas Overload

With mere hours to spare before Christmas is here, I want to take a couple of moments to remind you to not overdo it tonight or tomorrow.

There can be too much of a good thing. My Mom pointed this out to me after I'd made my fourth batch of gingerbread cookies. And after making eight other kinds of cookies. And while they're all good, I admit that I may have gone just the teensiest bit overboard.

For instance, look at theme Christmas trees. They can be beautiful.


They can also look like a child's imagination come to life.

Christmas lights can be beautiful and artsy.

And they can make you and all of the other occupants in your home, look crazy.

Christmas sweaters are one thing; they're kitschy.

Christmas flotsam hats, on the other hand, just kind of make you look silly.

Remember: You must have balance and NEVER over do it!

Merry Christmas to all!

Christmas Crafting

So Christmas is almost here and for those of you that don't know the meaning of procrastination and are probably already done with everything - the wrapping, the shopping, the baking, the yada yada - you might be thinking it's time to pull out your crafts.

You'll pull out your clay, your glitter, your pipe cleaners and pens. Your yarn and your pom-poms, even your paint! (Yes, that's my take on The Grinch.)

But! You must be careful! Because the pictures of your Christmas crafts could end up on a snarky website just like mine to be ridiculed for the humor of others. (By the way, if that sounds appealing to you, please send pictures to me asap at saras whimsy at gmail dot com)

So let's see what Christmas trash is naively circling the world wide web.

Sparkly things and sparkling in general have been pretty popular. If you don't know about this trend, there's not much I can do for you but refer you here: for a pop culture intervention. However, let me assure crafters out there that vomit colored clay earrings with glitter and seed beads does not equal sparkling.


For the one who made it, they equal a peek into the real world. For the one who bought them, they equal a long overdue vacation in restraints.

Christmas jewelry, from what I hear, isn't that hard to make. Once you have the idea and the know-how, you can usually make something anyone would be happy to wear in less than a day. The important part is to keep your subject matter in check. Not only do you want the receiver to wear it proudly, but you want the people that will see it to not laugh at them and/or cringe from them.

This, for instance, is completely inappropriate:Trust me, no one wants to see an unembodied vajay-jay bedecked with red beads, holly and gemstones. And I truly hope no one wants to wear it.

In a similar vein, let's be careful about what we hang on the tree. A bronzed penis is not only unnecessary but people will talk about it for years. Not in a good way.

A bronzed vajay-jay might also spark conversation, but not positive conversation.

Susie Neighbor: Did you see the sex ornaments on the Jones' Christmas tree? Tommy Neighbor: I sure did! Susie Neighbor: I wonder if they're into swinging too? Tommy Neighbor: This box of sex toys for a present ought to get is an answer!

So maybe the neighbors reaction isn't quite accurate, but I'm guessing these ornaments will only bring unwanted attention.

While we're talking about nether regions. Let's just go ahead and leave all poop-related items out of Christmas crafts shall we?

No Santa Poop Hats.
No embroidering the word poop.
No e-coli. cultures remade into felt ornaments.

And in the spirit of Christmas, if you even think for a moment that BeDazzling a tampon would be a great addition to your holiday repertoire, THINK AGAIN! And GET SOME HELP!


Last but not least, let's take into consideration Christmas standards and traditions. Namely, Santa is a big fat jolly man, with white hair and a white beard. He wears a red hat and a red suit.

Santa is not a monkey!
No no no no no! Never ever ever ever!

The song does not go:

Santa monkey
Slip bananas under the tree
For me
Been an awful good girl

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the primates that I haven't kissed.
Next year I could be just as good
If you throw poop at me tonight

Ya know, 'cause monkeys throw poop. Okay, lame I know.

Hey! Where The Hell Have You Been!?!

Oh right, I was the one that was gone. My sincerest apologies. I really didn't realize it had been so long.

I am back now. I promise not to go away again. At least not for so long. And not without warning.

It's okay if you're still irritated. You can slap my hand if you want to next time you see me.

I do wish I could give you some sort of explanation. I don't really have one other than I got kinda tired of everything. I didn't really feel funny, and that's the whole reason for writing a humor blog right?

But don't you worry, I'm back and I've brought my scathing wit and snarky humor with me.

So let's catch up on all the Christmas gone wrong stuff mmm'kay?

How to take a holiday too far:

Step 1 Dye top of hair spoiled honeydew green add whimsical fire engine red spots.
Step 2 Pile your hair into a pointed beehive.
Step 3 Wrap paperclip chains (oh I'm not kidding, zoom in) around pointed beehive.
Step 4 Add tacky plastic mini presents.
Step 5 Top of the point with a stick on bow.
Step 6 Use foam appliques to accent the bleached out back portion.

Last minute tree ornaments are no problem when you love paper and have a basic sense of origami. Just keep in mind that origami is all about the folding technique and lots and lots of folds. The nice part of this design (while it takes a LOT of folds) it's actually quite fast and every single one is unique:


Now, if like me, you like to keep your ornaments from year to year, I suggest dipping in paraffin wax to preserve.

Of course if you prefer lawn ornamentation to inside decor, I have a slightly more time consuming, but still fairly quick and inexpensive idea. All you need is a dollar store red bow - or if you want to go all out find one at the thrift stores that been resting on a dusty floor for awhile - and some green spray paint. But the most crucial ingredient is an old tractor tire.

Instant - and handsome - yard wreath. You can even add a flood light.

But what about true Christmas spirit? Can you really show people how into Christmas you are without a Christmas sweater?

The answer is No. No, you can not.

Example one:
This is very close to true Christmas spirit. Very close, but as the saying goes, no cigar. Why? Well, the tight bleached jeans, aren't quite tight enough are they? The bald head could shine just a little bit more to offset the the three or four day unkempt stubble. And the sweater is more sweater vest, than sweater. Don't get me wrong, Christmas Sweater Vest almost trumps Christmas Sweater. And this would've won a gold prize, but the turtleneck doesn't quite clash enough. Sure the white in the turtleneck accentuate the cats white underbelly and the skunks white stripe, but a hunter green turtleneck with candy canes would've been much better.

Example two:
NOW THIS! This is true Christmas Spirit! Why? Because I can't tell if this is an attempt at a holiday goodness or if he's lost a bet. Look at the turtleneck, so white but still charming with blue and teal snowflakes. And the white does so much to bring out the white stitching on the vest. The vest itself may be fleece or true Christmas Sweater polyester. But who cares which one when you have the gold ornaments on one patch and the beaded poinsettia? It's practically Christmas personified.

Late Edition of Sara's Snarky Snippets

Well, I'm running pretty late today. But I think I have a pretty good question that's in need of snarky advice.

An engaged woman wrote to Abby about her pig of a fiance:

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to the man of my dreams. Our wedding is two months away, and I couldn't be more excited about starting my life with "Jeff." Only one thing bothers me. When the two of us eat alone together, Jeff throws his manners out the window. He kind of eats like a pig. He opens his mouth as wide as it will go and takes as big a bite as he can. Then, as he's chewing (even with his mouth closed) he makes noises. I can't get past the noises! I know Jeff knows better because he doesn't eat like this when we're out with his parents or having dinner with friends. The first time he did it I thought he was joking. The second time, I thought he was just really hungry. Now I realize this is the way he eats. We have known each other two years, so we have had plenty of time to get acquainted.How do I tell him his eating behavior gets under my skin? I don't want any children we have to learn these habits. Jeff has a tender heart, and I don't want to hurt his feelings. -- LOOKING ASKANCE IN TEXAS

DEAR LOOKING: You are about two years late in telling your fiance how his eating habits affect you. If you can't discuss something as basic as this, how are you going to discuss the challenging problems that will inevitably arise after the two of you are married? You said yourself that Jeff knows better. He eats this way in front of you because he thinks you don't mind. So please level with him now -- before the wedding. It won't hurt his feelings; it will set him straight.

Since you've waited so long to mention this, even though he is "tender hearted" you really need to level with him. Tell him ONCE that you do not like the way he eats and that you do not envision yourself spending the rest of your life with a man that eats like a hog.

If he continues to do it let it slide. And the next time you're eating with his mother compliment him on his good table manners. And tell the mother you should see 'her little piggy' when she's not there. That ought to fix it.